you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
