your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
