Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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