My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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