UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize