I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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