I think I am morally bankrupt
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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