If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
