you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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