this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
