It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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