i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
