I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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