He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
