Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
