just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
