drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
