what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
They took my balls.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
