Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
