I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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