so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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