I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
