He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
