Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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