Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
