Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
