my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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