this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
