I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize