so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
