Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
