What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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