it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
