im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
