He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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