New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
