Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
