I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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