Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
