Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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