Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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