She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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