3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Did I show you my penis last night?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize