I think my fart just growled at me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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