I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
