you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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