If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
