i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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