Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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