How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
