Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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