i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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