Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
