Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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