I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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