Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Drake has all the answers
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
