I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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