you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
