He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize