My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
