this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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