thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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