i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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