Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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